Monday, July 12, 2010

Royal Flush

After nearly a week of speculation, former Cleveland Cavaliers superstar LeBron (King) James disclosed last night that he will be dining this coming Saturday at Joe’s Stone Crabs, in celebration of his recent move to the Miami Heat. The announcement of the restaurant selection was made during a one-hour nationally televised ESPN special titled “The Decision II.”

“It was a very difficult, very emotional decision, which I did not make until I woke up this morning,” James told interviewer Jim Gray, “All of the restaurants I visited offered unique dining opportunities, but I felt I had to do what was best for LeBron James.”

James’ decision was greeted with cheers at the South Beach dining establishment, which until yesterday had been considered a long shot by many experts.

“It’s the safe choice,” offered Miami Herald restaurant critic Victoria Pesce Elliott, “Some of the other restaurants he considered, such as Asia de Cuba and Sushi Samba Dromo, were simply too ethnic for his taste. He was looking for something traditional, but which truly represented the South Beach lifestyle he is prepared to embrace. Table Eight was a finalist, but faded from favor when James discovered that it specializes in kobe beef.”

With the restaurant selection completed, and the assumption that James’ main course will consist of Stone Crabs (Market Price), attention now turns to James’ planned appetizer. Speculation presently centers on Shrimp Cocktail ($10.95) and Conch Fritters ($9.95). Discussions are under way between James’ representatives and ESPN for a one-hour special titled “The Decision III,” expected to air during prime time Friday.


  1. Excellent and very well said.
    As you know Iam a Knicks fan.
    This ESPN show was a waste of
    Time which he could of easily
    Announced it in a press conference.
    Sports as we all know it is not the same
    As it was 20 to 25 years and before that.

    Those where the days.

  2. This was short but fantastic. You should write more satirical pieces like this one. :D